TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and completely out of put. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Sure, guaranteed, let us have another place exactly where American Gentlemen can don robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though past negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a set within the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is gentle ability," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It is really that he need to halt making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the project, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people today. Great tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping types a giant Trump head seen from space, a function currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents plus the chin is… nicely, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after obtaining the making's gold plating mirrored a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not only unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Bewildering Capabilities


Probably the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place visitors may well ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Strategy: "If You Bomb It, They'll Come"


The ad marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Forever."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is by now attracting attention from Global buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also contain:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have turn-down service."


Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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